So as I have previously mentioned, I am on THE (imagine Chandler’s voice) search to complete half my deen in sha Allah. I have tried many avenues in my search, including; the traditional introductions, the scoping out “potentials” at weddings, online matrimonial sites which I aim to also review soon in sha Allah.
So I’m going to draw upon my own experience and share the different types of timewasters that I have come across. Now, at 26, I’d like to think that I’m mature enough to go into the whole process with my eyes wide open and a serious intention to get married.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the case for many guys that I’ve come across, namely online. My biggest timewaster lasted a period of ten months, on and off. He promised me the world and won me over by always letting me know he was on his way to the mosque and yet he seemed to have a balance of deen and dunya. Whilst some people might say it’s my own fault for letting him lead me on for ten months, when you become as emotionally invested as I was, you put your head aside and allow your heart to lead your path. His actions were telling me something different to his words, but every single time he gave me an inch, I considered it to be of a tenfold. A week before his family was due to come and see me, on my mum’s birthday, he decided to call things off. By then, we had notified the entire family of our intentions and this 180 caused a lot of heartbreaks, mine the most. The worst thing is, he is now married and his story as to when they were introduced and the timescales just do not make any sense. I hope that one day, I can fully say with all my heart that Allah swt saved me.
On a different website, I spoke to a guy for several days. we seemed to have had a lot in common and things were looking positive. That was until he refused to share a picture as he had stopped taking them for religious purposes, and then he slowly started to advise me on what I should and should not eat, what I should wear (abayas all day but heels too because he found them sexy. Kinda ironic I think.) and the final straw was when he forbade me from listening to music, because he “would not allow it.” Now, I’m all for my husband changing me for the better and bringing me closer to Allah swt. What I’m not on board with is the way this guy “forbade” me before we had even seen each other. Whilst I understand that every single day, we should strive to better ourselves and make our creator happy, I’m also not naive enough to think that it will happen overnight.
Timewaster number three, was another guy that I met online. After a day of speaking, he asked to exchange numbers for convenience purposes and I obliged. Let’s be honest, logging in every time you want to message can get a little tiresome, not to mention the several email notifications you receive. He established that there was a nine year age gap between us, and asked me repeatedly if I was ok with that. After another two days, he asked to meet, which I thought was very rushed but he convinced me that it was to ensure that we weren’t wasting time. When I fell asleep, he messaged saying “you didn’t reply….nice one.” Immature much? Anyways, I was around his area and agreed to meet which my gut instincts were screaming at me not to do. Thinking that at his age he must be mature, and therefore sensible, I pushed all my reservations aside. I did take safety precautions by noting down his number plate and asking him to sit in my car as opposed to going into his. After a bit of messaging back and forth, we finally found each other’s cars and met up. All was going well (if you don’t count my stiff back and leaving my car on for a quick getaway,) until he asked if we could kiss to establish a connection 🙁 subhan’Allah I was mortified and stood my ground. I said I have never felt the need to establish a connection via kissing, nor will I start doing so now. Needless to say, he made a swift exit and messaged me soon after to say it wasn’t going to work out. I breathed a sigh of relief, agreed and wished him luck. His online profile had also been taken down.
A few days later, I received a message on the same site from a new user, stating “I’m 27 btw” (his profile said 35). We did the obligatory awkward hello and he asked to be able to access my profile pictures. Lo and behold, it was the same guy who had not only lied about his age but had no recollection of my username. I messaged him and said we’ve met and established it wasn’t going to work, good luck. To which he replied “aww you’re so sweet.” No remorse or embarrassment whatsoever.
My question is, why do boys lie? Why not be upfront with a girl? and please don’t patronise me by making this about my feelings as a girl. Newsflash: I’m a grown up that can handle rejection, and if Allah swt is taking you away, He has something better for me in sha Allah. So to everyone in the same boat as me, good luck, stay strong and have sabr. To the timewasters in the same boat, please jump off and we will gladly welcome you back once you have grown up.