The broken record of a broken heart

Due to recent events, I seem to have blogged quite a few times about a broken heart. You might ask why I feel the need to add such sad content to my blog. Well, firstly, even though it’s sad I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily negative. I do try to keep even the saddest of posts with a positive outlook or an empowering message. When I read through my posts, I use the sad ones to empower myself and remind myself that I got over the bad times once, I can and will do it again. I hope the posts help someone else too, even if one person resonates with my post, it’s worth it.

 

Secondly, who doesn’t have downs in their lives? In a society where even the most mundane everyday tasks are staged for an Instagram photo shoot, you wouldn’t be blamed for thinking people have perfect lives with little to no major problems. Therefore, coming across honest content, where someone is raw and open is something I aspire to never lose. I started off blogging anonymously, and I still do not publicise my blog, as I do not want to succumb to the pressure of what society expects.

 

Thirdly, I love writing. I find it such a powerful tool. I am able to get a million emotions out of my head and type them into what I hope is a coherent post for others to read. It’s me exposing myself, it’s me exposing my thoughts, it’s me exposing my emotions. If it’s exposed then it doesn’t have as much power to pull me down. I am essentially getting rid of excess baggage that’s weighing me down. I’d therefore like to take a moment to say thank you for reading and allowing me such a public but private platform.

 

Now, dealing with a broken heart, what’s the broken record in that? Well, sometimes when people lose control of their emotions, when the superhero cape slips off for a few minutes, when the tears get too much to hold in, they’re often met with a sigh and “what’s wrong now?” Through a teary, snotty (you’re one of the lucky ones if your nose doesn’t join forces with your eyes and start leaking too) face, you struggle to explain that it’s the same thing as the last time, and the time before. You feel bad and hurt at the expression and frustration of your loved ones as they get angry for you and you can feel their worry. I for one am sincerely sorry for every tear my family have cried due to my sadness.

 

Unfortunately, feelings don’t just switch off and memories cannot just be buried. I find that sometimes the smallest thing can open a can of worms and mess up my mood. I lose my appetite in a flash and all I want to do is curl up into foetal position and release the tears that are threatening to erupt. God help me if I’m due for my time of the month, there’s no stopping those pesky emotions then. Whilst sometimes I entertain the tears, I have to make it known that it is often a last-resort after a buildup of suppressing the emotions and running out of strength to push them down.

 

I find that I sometimes question just how much strength and patience I have left within me, wishing that I could see a meter like in games where you can see your remaining energy levels. I question my existence, I question that if I didn’t wake up tomorrow, would anyone really be affected? I know that sounds horribly suicidal but I mean it in a more philosophical manner. It leads me to question, have I made my mark in this world? Do I truly love myself? I deeply believe I don’t, how does one love themselves? Confidence is something that I have and continue to struggle with. In a society that you’re never fair enough, tall enough, quick enough, skinny enough, never enough, you forget the good that you encompass. You forget your self-worth, until someone tells you that you deserve better but you can’t see it. You don’t understand why people sing your praises, you don’t understand what it means when someone says you have a beautiful heart and soul.

 

Well, let me tell you something to start. You are  enough. We are not in competition with anyone, God has his own time and plan for us. As much as it’s difficult and hard to keep faith, when everything seems to be going wrong, just remember all the times that God saved you. He stopped you getting knocked over by that car, He stopped you falling down the stairs, He stopped your airplane from malfunctioning. He has kept you alive, He ha a plan for you, He has a purpose for you. How beautiful is that? Whilst we’re stressing, He’s watching over us, knowing exactly what we’re going to ask for before we even utter the words.

 

If He knows, then why don’t I get? This is the biggest thought whenever something bad happens; from my broken heart to when someone forgets to fill up the kettle and I’m left with three sips of tepid tea. I guess the answer to that is because we might not be ready for what our heart desires, or maybe we need to learn a lesson before being blessed once more, or maybe it’s just not meant to be. I think as a human we struggle to deal with things we can’t control – you just have to look at how much we complain about the weather to realise this. I am trying to remind myself of an old Arabic proverb, that has the power to settle my turbulent soul even in some of the darkest moments. What’s meant for you, will reach you even if it is beneath two mountains. And what isn’t meant for you, won’t reach you even if it is between your two lips. So I say we buckle on our seat belts and try to enjoy this roller-coaster that is life.

 

I pray that Allah swt removes sadness from all of out hearts, gifts us with our hearts’ desires, grants our duas, places patience in our hearts to wait for His timing and forgives our shortcomings. Ameen x

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