To the timewasters: an open letter

So as I have previously mentioned, I am on THE (imagine Chandler’s voice) search to complete half my deen in sha Allah. I have tried many avenues in my search, including; the traditional introductions, the scoping out “potentials” at weddings, online matrimonial sites which I aim to also review soon in sha Allah.

So I’m going to draw upon my own experience and share the different types of timewasters that I have come across. Now, at 26, I’d like to think that I’m mature enough to go into the whole process with my eyes wide open and a serious intention to get married.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the case for many guys that I’ve come across, namely online. My biggest timewaster lasted a period of ten months, on and off. He promised me the world and won me over by always letting me know he was on his way to the mosque and yet he seemed to have a balance of deen and dunya. Whilst some people might say it’s my own fault for letting him lead me on for ten months, when you become as emotionally invested as I was, you put your head aside and allow your heart to lead your path. His actions were telling me something different to his words, but every single time he gave me an inch, I considered it to be of a tenfold. A week before his family was due to come and see me, on my mum’s birthday, he decided to call things off. By then, we had notified the entire family of our intentions and this 180 caused a lot of heartbreaks, mine the most. The worst thing is, he is now married and his story as to when they were introduced and the timescales just do not make any sense. I hope that one day, I can fully say with all my heart that Allah swt saved me.

On a different website, I spoke to a guy for several days. we seemed to have had a lot in common and things were looking positive. That was until he refused to share a picture as he had stopped taking them for religious purposes, and then he slowly started to advise me on what I should and should not eat, what I should wear (abayas all day but heels too because he found them sexy. Kinda ironic I think.) and the final straw was when he forbade me from listening to music, because he “would not allow it.” Now, I’m all for my husband changing me for the better and bringing me closer to Allah swt. What I’m not on board with is the way this guy “forbade” me before we had even seen each other. Whilst I understand that every single day, we should strive to better ourselves and make our creator happy, I’m also not naive enough to think that it will happen overnight.

Timewaster number three, was another guy that I met online. After a day of speaking, he asked to exchange numbers for convenience purposes and I obliged. Let’s be honest, logging in every time you want to message can get a little tiresome, not to mention the several email notifications you receive. He established that there was a nine year age gap between us, and asked me repeatedly if I was ok with that. After another two days, he asked to meet, which I thought was very rushed but he convinced me that it was to ensure that we weren’t wasting time. When I fell asleep, he messaged saying “you didn’t reply….nice one.” Immature much? Anyways, I was around his area and agreed to meet which my gut instincts were screaming at me not to do. Thinking that at his age he must be mature, and therefore sensible, I pushed all my reservations aside. I did take safety precautions by noting down his number plate and asking him to sit in my car as opposed to going into his. After a bit of messaging back and forth, we finally found each other’s cars and met up. All was going well (if you don’t count my stiff back and leaving my car on for a quick getaway,) until he asked if we could kiss to establish a connection πŸ™ subhan’Allah I was mortified and stood my ground. I said I have never felt the need to establish a connection via kissing, nor will I start doing so now. Needless to say, he made a swift exit and messaged me soon after to say it wasn’t going to work out. I breathed a sigh of relief, agreed and wished him luck. His online profile had also been taken down.

A few days later, I received a message on the same site from a new user, stating “I’m 27 btw” (his profile said 35). We did the obligatory awkward hello and he asked to be able to access my profile pictures. Lo and behold, it was the same guy who had not only lied about his age but had no recollection of my username. I messaged him and said we’ve met and established it wasn’t going to work, good luck. To which he replied “aww you’re so sweet.” No remorse or embarrassment whatsoever.

My question is, why do boys lie? Why not be upfront with a girl? and please don’t patronise me by making this about my feelings as a girl. Newsflash: I’m a grown up that can handle rejection, and if Allah swt is taking you away, He has something better for me in sha Allah. So to everyone in the same boat as me, good luck, stay strong and have sabr. To the timewasters in the same boat, please jump off and we will gladly welcome you back once you have grown up.

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15 thoughts on “To the timewasters: an open letter

  1. Sorry to hear this. I have to advise you dear sister, that no matter what, you shouldn’t meet these men alone, you must be accompanied by your mahram and the other individual shouldn’t request to touch you or speak to you alone. This is the correct way to meet, if you want barakah in your married life and a righteous spouse. Until you are Islamically married, the other individual is a complete stranger to you and they have no right to expose your awrah or whatever. I know a lot of women and men have to try and yield intense sabr in these situations and might start looking for alternative routes when it all feels too hard, but it is only Allah who can guide you towards finding a righteous spouse and you must therefore seek one in a way that pleases Allah. A righteous man will approach one of your mahrams and not yourself, whether that is online or offline. May Allah grant you a righteous spouse in sha Allah and bring you closer to the deen.

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  3. Sabr is key, along with the obvious things, like dua and obligatory prayers. One important lesson I’ve learnt is that you have to place your trust in Allah regardless of what situation you are in, and how hopeless it may feel. The time you’ve spent waiting and looking will fell like nothing once you’ve met the right person, Inshallah, and you’ll look back and smile at the thought of ending up with one of those aforementioned ‘timewasters’. And there is also a verse in the Quraan which should provide extra enlightenment: “And We created you in pairs” (Surah An-Naba). Take from that verse what you will, I will make dua and you should keep hope in Allah, as Allah is sufficient. Subhanallah

    • Jazak’Allah Khair for your message, it was actually my engagement on the day you commented and Alhamdullilah the waiting time did feel like nothing. Now that has broken off, I ask you to remember me in your duas in sha Allah.

  4. Wow SubhanAllah i was just reading your post and actually commented on it the post from last year and it was in my mind that she must have been married by now – this i realised after i had commented but now its more than an year.

    I suggest you not to go for some matrimonial site – i know they work for some but clearly they haven’t worked for you.

    I don’t know your location nor do i feel the need to ask but i would suggest joining some community (i dont know your Holiness (im sorry its rude)) like some religious community perhaps. Because so many of my good religious friends found their spouses in these community and these are not by any way like Meet up boys and Girls type, these are communities where Girls and Boys are completely separate from each other and there are bayans from Scholars every single Week even which many people attend.

    The Aalim or senior brothers know it from their female side’s (wives) about the girls who are regularly attending and are good Alhamdulillah have made acquaintances and stuff – so they get them matched in a purely islamic manner. Show them profiles – to their parents even and they all get matched up. I’m only saying because it works.

    Now it can work for you if you can see if there is any such community in your place, wherever you are. Shaykh Mufti Kamal uddin Ahmed is a really awesome person – his site is islamicspirituality.org – if you can check that his bayans ever took place near you or some people who knows them. In Pakistan they work under the name of Ihsan Institute and Zaynab Academy i think in UK they are known as Maryam Academy (i think).

    I’m sorry for writing this much but to be honest you can only work with them if you are like good religious (to comprehend – wear Niqab and pray and all). Even if you are not (im not judging you) you can still join them and attend bayans they help a lot and hopefully get Married one day. Its not like a must but oh well It might work.

    Stay Blessed. And if it does work do remember to pray for my stupid self and you don’t need to thank me for writing this too – because it would be useless if it doesn’t work anyway πŸ™‚

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